I was trying to clean up this blog (I deleted some posts and privated??? some as well) and then I noticed that I still have tons of unfinished posts left on my drafts. I can’t finish them now anyway and I don’t know what to do with them so I just decided to delete most of them and compile a few of them in this post.
Ah. I’m lonely.
March 4, 2018
I held out my open hand towards the sky but it can barely cover the whole of the Big Dipper that I’m seeing in the northern part of the sky. And just like that I was struck with the realization that the Big Dipper is indeed Big.
It is so easy to get lost in the idea that we are this insignificant speck in the Universe. But isn’t it astounding to think that we are actually a part of all this greatness? That we belong in this.
March 28, 2018
Note: This was a dream.
Some wizard transfigured an old man into a snake and I was supposed to catch the said snake. I asked the wizard if the snake was poisonous and he said it was. But I still went after the snake. Some guy though was also following me in the hopes of killing me so I ended up running for my life instead.
I was running and running when I got into a movie theatre. Forgetting all about the snake and the guy after me, I decided that I wanted to watch A Wrinkle in Time. But it was not showing anywhere. So I just walked around the place and saw a College friend. He was holding a rifle and started running towards me. He grabbed hold of my arms and linked it with his arms in a way that we were now back to back. And then I saw zombies on the other side of the fence. My friend started running backwards which made me run forward because we were back to back and I was pretty much attached to him. And then I saw some kind of bazaar and I bought a pair of stud earrings. Weird I know. My back was still attached to my friend’s back. After I paid for the earrings, my friend started running again, this time forward and I backward. I noticed though that the lady gave me a huge bag and I saw that she put more than the stud earrings that I bought. She put a necklace and a scarf in the bag as well.
February 8, 2019
Sometimes it scares me how much of a solitary person I have become. I’m scared that I will be so used to it.
March 12, 2019
Life lately feels like it is at a standstill.
I don’t have any goals.
I feel like I can’t talk about this to other people because I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. And I don’t want to impose because even though I feel alone in this journey, I know that other people have more pressing concerns than what I have.
July 3, 2019
Lately, I’ve been distant. Some friends kept on asking to meet. Sometimes, I tell them honestly that I didn’t want to go. Other times, I make up excuses as to not to go.
Lately, I’ve been watching too much crime documentaries online and because of my recent attitude towards people, my being distant, I suddenly became paranoid of my safety. I fear that if I ever disappear, no one would notice until probably the end of the week and I am supposed to go home in Batangas.
Lately, because I tweeted about that fear, my friend volunteered to check up on me everyday. I told her I might not be able to commit to replying to her everytime because that’s just me. I’m not used to that. I’m not used to having someone questioning my whereabouts or just asking about how I am doing. And honestly, I never knew how to answer that.
Lately, I’ve been wanting more and more to escape from this body. I am trying to keep on holding on to who I know I am though. So even though I don’t like what I create, I still try to paint, because I know I love Art. Even though I don’t feel like reading, I still buy books because I know I love reading…
I still want to write but I can’t. I can’t finsih anything. My work is suffering too.