Guess who cried big time on the first hour of twenty-nineteen. Yep. It me! What a way to start the new year, right? This panic-stricken small girl is still in the limbo stage right now so allow me to share my 2018 year end essay while I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that it is actually 2019 already.
Twenty-eighteen is a year of endless transitions for me. Going from one job to another. Adjusting with one job description to another. Adjusting with this work load to another. And most specially, adjusting with the people around me from one world to another. I also started living in Manila in December 2017 and in 2018, aside from different workmates, I also had to learn how to deal with different boardmates with different personalities. There would be very short moments of calm and stillness. And then, the cosmos would decide to rearrange itself and I had to adjust accordingly again. But I am not complaining. I’m totally okay with all of it. Because I believe that the cosmos is rearranging itself to help the stars align for me. Those transitions are essential in shaping me to be the kind of human being that I am meant to be.
However, these transitions were pretty painful as well. There were definitely lows in between. Twenty-eighteen is a year when I have dealt with a lot of anxiety issues. I’ve struggled with panic attacks and the perpetual cycle of feeling that I am never good enough and I am definitely enough. It didn’t help that there was a psycho bully in my former work. I’ve had real bad episodes. I have cried a lot. I have walked a lot with no direction in mind. I HAVE SPACED OUT A LOT. But this year I started to learn that I can walk away from people and from situations who are and which are toxic to me. I have started to say “no” more to people and situations that does not make me happy. I have also learned that even family and friends can be toxic sometimes and it’s okay to stay away from them, even if just for a while.
Twenty-eighteen is also the year when I learned that you cannot totally help other people if you yourself have issues of your own. It isn’t selfish to try and love yourself first. It is definitely not selfish to save yourself first. Of course, empathy is a beautiful thing. But how can you save someone from drowning if you yourself are drowning?
Twenty-eighteen is a year when I started to go out more and meet new people. This made me realized that I am not actually an anti-social human being, I’m just really not good with social situations. I am still awkward though and annoying. And I still get anxious in going out in the world. But I have met so many interesting and wonderful human beings with such beautiful souls this year.
I am grateful for all of these.